Thursday, January 17, 2013

EVERYONE WANTS TO HOST THE OSCARS


Everyone wants to host the Oscars. Only, some win the damn award.

I’ve always wanted to host the Oscars wearing something like this. Wonder why they wear tuxedos in the first place – the most they do is not make you look fat, shit – I should have worn a Tuxedo! Anyway, I hope I still have this shirt, these pants and these shoes when I host the Oscars. 

Hell, I hope I get to host the Oscars in the first place! 

Anyway, it just so happened that Billy Crystal wasn’t in town, Alec Baldwin’s placed an Irish curse on himself, Eddie Murphy’s run out of his ‘Thousand Words.’ And Steve Martin, face it – Steve Martin is old. Last time I saw him, he was filming for the movie ‘the Grandfather of the Bride.’ Diane Keaton was still expecting. Sigh. They never learn. 

James Franco and Anne Hathaway are not here either. Thank God! Wow. That Anne Hathaway, she is... miserable

And Mr. Franco is, you know, sucking cock on his new movie. Heard that’s what he does for his PhD as well. I’m joking. (Oh yeah!) 

You know, they should’ve asked Woody Allen to host the Oscars. Maybe at least then he’d show up. He might show up. 


So, I guess, it’s just you and I, then. 

6000 delegates. They’d just have to show up, in walkers and wheelchairs, one vote each. What do you get? Daniel Day-Lewis! Denzel Washington! Steven Spielberg


I heard they nominated Meryl Streep as well, but then that damn Helen Mirren took her down. They didn't even have a movie this year.

When I was asked to host the Oscars, I wasn’t surprised. Not really. They want Indians everywhere, these days. Like Kunal Joshi, for ‘the Life of Pi.’ Umm, no. Wait. Suraj Sharma, for ‘the Life of Pi.’ 

(Pause) 

Does it make a difference? 

To dear Kunal, hell yeah! To Suraj Sharma, well... yeah. 

You saw that picture of his with Anne Hathaway? 


Oh, wait. He’s not nominated. 

I met Mr. A.R. Rahman on the way, outside. He smelt of alcohol and was trying to gatecrash. 

And Irrfan Khan showed up in a turban and a Tuxedo – they were filming the Amazing Spiderman – part II – in an Oscar setup, contributing to footage they aren’t going to use anyway. 30 hours of Footage, 30 seconds of screen time. All long shots. 

That’s all you get, India! 


Unless, well, you’re Anil Ambani and you own Mr. Spielberg’s balls. Or you’re Deepa Mehta and you’re let in through the back-gate, from Toronto. 

Somebody’s got to get 11 nominations, right? ‘the Life of Pi’ is just so convenient. It’s this movie about an Indian boy in the Pacific, made by a Chinaman talking Hollywood spiritualism. 

Eye not on Tiger, Daniel-san. Eye on you. Tiger not fighting Daniel-san. Daniel-san fighting Tiger. Stop. Breathe. Make peace.

I half-expected ‘the Hobbit,’ but then I said – “only one 3D movie a year.” 


Wait. What was that? Oh, well, that’s Quentin Tarantino and Ben Affleck backstage crying their guts out. There, there, Mr. Affleck. Wait your turn. They’d nominate you on your worst movie - you're not quite there yet. For all you know, you might even win it then. Martin Scorsese would countersign

And dear Mr. Tarantino... well, you know what? They just don’t like you. 

You swear too much, mother- 


We’re in 2013, now, looking back at 2012. Some of us thought we might not make it this far. Well, what do you know? Here we are. December is long gone. John Cusack gets a golden ring. Roland Emmerich gets the finger. This joke is borrowed. Sorry if it’s not funny. 

We’re in the era of technology. What used to take a line before to communicate now takes a paragraph with letters sticking out of the screen. 3D. Straight out of the Braille-writer, loving you blind. 


We’re in the hands of the Hollywood studio, like a hospital that decides your diet, plants illnesses in everyday food, calling you back and dangling the cure – Bellerophon against its own Chimera. Ethan Hunt’s on their side now. He’s not going to save the day. 

Is that all? 

We’re in the era of humanism. Where a drug addict is seen alongside a religious head; a struggling mother alongside a conflicted, murderous traitor. Abe Lincoln finds relevance, if one had to be naive, in the fact that he exemplified it. ‘the Beasts of the Southern Wild’ let loose at Sundance, out on a rampage as Juan Antonio Bayona attempts ‘the Impossible.’ 

As a wise man once said, not too long ago: 

People are crazy, 
Times are strange.

The least you can do is celebrate. 

Life. Drama. Daniel Day-Lewis. 



Ladies and Gentleman – the 85th Academy Awards.

3 comments:

Rahul Menon said...

:D Well said bro ..

Priyanka P said...

Delight reading through out !

vaibhav jadhav said...

The Knight with the sword and BATMAN are the only ones who think Anne is worth all the credit! Tragedy is that they both are too unreal to be believed in. :P